Living By Yourself: Lesson Two

Lesson Two: Give Yourself a Break

It's day three of the first full work week here in Miami. Day three of coming home from work and spending the evening in my almost upholstered chair watching more television than my entire last month of TV combined!

Preparing myself for the move, I have accepted the fact that I’ll be a little lonely. Getting here, it started immediately and I’m ok with it so far. Things I didn’t expect Laziness, messiness, and the tidal wave of self awareness.

I have never been an avid TV watcher. Don't get me wrong I can get caught up in a Project Runway or Golden Girls marathon just as easily as the next person but, day after day, I just don’t keep up with shows or even the news and weather. Really, the most TV I watch is because I am watching it with someone else and it’s what they like.

For example: I watched Greys Anatomy and Dexter in college with my roommates, I was up on the NCAA tournament and dancing with the Stars when I move back home, I became obsessed with the Bachelor when I lived with my sister, and cried over the Biggest Loser with roomie, Ann Marie. I just never seemed to, idk, have time, care enough, direct my attention long enough, something.

This is not the point, though. Moving here, I don’t have to work late, I don’t have friends to see or go eat out with. I haven’t cared to get back into running. I have so many things I could do, just around the house: sew, organize my craft boxes, go to the store for paint and remove the nasty fabric from my new chaise. But no. No, thanks. All I end up doing is sitting for hours…. HOURS!!!! Watching idiotic tv shows. Entertaining, yes, but its TV!!! The phone rang today and I actually scared myself thinking it was my Mom calling to see what I was doing and ashamed, I’d have to say NOTHING. NO, I haven’t made friends yet, no I haven’t bought the shelf elbows, no I haven’t cooked a meal yet, no I haven’t finished my chair or my chaise, no I haven't done ANYTHING. Ugh, that would be terrible… and with no excuses but the TV. But it was only AT&T calling to confirm that the internet was installed and working properly.

After Modern Family I convinced myself it was time for bed. With motivation of having a mission to accomplish, I brushed my teeth and washed my face – something that doesn’t always happen :/. While the business of the rinse-and-spit and frowing over blackheads finally started to bore me, I noticed the clothes on the floor left from a few nights before and the new shower head and drain clog stopper were in their original, nonchalant places as they had been for days now. Tonight, I told myself to JUST FREAKIN PICK IT UP! Seriously! How hard is that?

The clothes went into the laundry basket but the store bought items can't be used until maintenance arrives and I can play charades with him, since I now live in Miami and everyone speaks a language which I do not. Items go into the drawer. The mere five seconds its takes to complete this task inspires me to tidy up even more. I push the spare frames and unused décor neatly under the bed, and move into the living room to get my cereal bowl (banana cherrios for dinner 3 nights in a row now (delish!). I tidy the kitchen by unloading the dishwasher, which finally works now that the landlord had to come up here and fix it by turning the knob just 45 degrees further to the right than I had been turning it.... I re-adjust a shelf displaying yet another decorative serving tray and my pass-ee-down copper kettle ("...and warm woolen mittens" lalala love Sound of Music).

Back to my overall point of becoming messy, I have to give myself a break, it wan’t THAT much clutter and I hadn't left it for THAT long. But as I was tidying, it seemed like I was on the verge of something terrible! The corner of the bedroom was full of stuff and when I took it away, the room was clear yet somehow desolately empty. Loneliness flashed his sneaky little face. Maybe that mess keeps me company and then, what if I WANT it to be messy? or what if messiness becomes my comfort instead of friends because im lazy and messy, and my thoughts are going haywire and IM GOING TO BE A HOARDER LIKE THOSE PITIFUL PEOPLE ON TV!!!

note to self - stop watching TV.

Dramatic and paranoid.

I can now name adjectives about myself now like spatting off letters at a spelling bee. I think I will like to write these blogs simply to talk to myself. Hmm, another interesting thing – my conversation and thoughts are about myself. How lame! See? There’s another word AND another conversation with myself. And now I’m thinking that I am an exact genetic makeup of Papa, my 82-year old granddad. Greaaaaat! Since Nana died, he is learning to live by himself. He seeks comfort by listening to his own voice, whether it by in song or a simple conversation. Even on the phone, he’ll have a practice round of his scheduled hymn performance on Sunday and then he’ll just taaaalk, talk, talk talk talk! You can hear him talking and encouraging himself as he navigates the internet, or searches for his cell phone or trying to make it up the stairs. He also is a bit nutty, regardless of age, which makes this occurrence ok, and him, even more loveable. (fyi - papa is wonderful, I want to add. He has called me three time already since I moved! What a gem!)

So anyway living alone I take notice of myself more. I think these thoughts then review myself on why I was thinking that. Like, WHY am I so dramtic in thinking I could be a hoarder when that is SO not even close!?

.....

Today I think I know who I am but I bet you I will know a lot more come next year. And who is “you” by the way!!?!? That’s me talking to me, as usual. While typing this out I am also noticing that many of my little adjectives are negative. As a historically and outwardly positive person, this is thought provoking. Whatever the reason, be it insecurity, coping mechanism to the hoarding truth, or what have you, I ope that in the year from now, I will have more positive adjectives to use. Ooo! maybe words like smart, independent, noble... bi-lingual.

I would even be happy with words like cool, calm, and collected, …..

HA! Ok, Carole, don't get carried away! Except cool is already in the works after changing the” Current Location” on my Facebook Profile to Miami, Florida.

Whoop! Whoop!

Living By Yourself: Lesson One

Lesson One: Expect the Unexpected

Its interesting how things happen and its interesting to see how your life plays out. The foreshadowing recently has been amazing. For Mother’s Day, the family got together at the lake for the first time since all the new news. Jen points out that just a few weeks prior, Daddy had stated that he felt our lives were about to change. (I love to hear what my dad has to say. He doesn’t say too much with four other girls around but when he does, he’s very interesting. Eh, well he’s also corny, but what do you expect from a Dad?)Soon after his statement, I accepted a job transfer to Miami, Sallie graduated from UGA, found a dream job at the Spinal Center and moved home, and Jennifer was promoted to a new job at as a writer. I also guess, and dare I say, that she may be engaged within the year but who knows.

So Wow! My Dad was right…. a statement like that isn’t something you just say everyday! And does my dad have the gift of prophesy and I didn't know it?

Life is constantly moving forward, but this is the time when it seems we have been thrust into what should be 5 years from now. Just last week, I was making a late night run to Yoforia with the roommates while Sallie was in town and now here I am in an apartment by myself and a fancy-schmancy(ish)job title. Kel is engaged, Sar is buying a house with Tony, and Laur is on a “fertility plan”! When? How? What the heck has happened? I thought I just graduated from study sessions and after-parties!? I’m supposed to be touring the streets of downtown Athens and taking hikes to Stanford Stadium on Saturdays!

No, Carole. Jump ahead 5 years to today, except its literally only been a year and a half. Go to work and stop whining!


SO here I am in Miami. The sexy city of beaches, palm trees, and hoity-toity nightlife. After a tearful goodbye dropping off Mom at the airport in Ft. Lauderdale, I am back to my new apartment with no internet, no tv, and no friends. I sat down in the living room taking in the atmosphere and wondering what I should do next. So I sorted through the countertop clutter that had accumulated over the past week, grabbed a glass of wine, called the Fabs (only Laur answered), had another glass of wine, and took a nap (modernized/oversized wine glasses will get ya!). I then woke up and started the process over again. I sat up, looked around at my new home and wondered what I should do next….. (again: wine, nap, no idea what to do... wine)

Ok, ok, I literally say outloud to my somewhat furnished condo, maybe it’s time to pack up and go back to real life in Atlanta where I belong? Maybe I should snap out of this adult thing that has somehow greeted me with loneliness and vino and stop playing “Young Professional” – the term I constantly keep hearing for the area I chose to live in.

But NOPE! This is it! No turning back now. Smooth move, Car! What were you thinking? The only thing to occupy my mind is the fear of loneliness and strategizing what I can concoct for my next dinner guests to be arriving in no less than 14 weeks.

SO a few things I am thinking about while hashing out this first blog post in 6 months:

I am continuously amazed by how much putting my life in His hands is rewarding. I am thinking about how just a month ago, my only thoughts were how I was too stressed with work and I needed to start relying on my faith more. Talk about watching what you ask for! I have spent the past several months praying for a way that will allow me to rely solely on Him. Well, here you go, Carole! He responds with FINE, you’re shipped off to Miami to be by yourself and with no one to seek help from but Me.
Only HE is my companion. Only He can comfort me. Only He will keep me strong to live my life in a world without the one thing I need most, company.

Tonight starts the breaking point. I am cautiously excited to be broken, to be weak, to start over in my relationship with Jesus and to begin a new life trusting God’s plan. This is what I asked for and this is what I’m going to get. Hallelujah! Bring it on!

Anyone who reads this, pray for me!

6/4/2010

What Christmas does to me

Be still and know that I am God.

This is the statement that comes to mind as I get into bed for an afternoon nap after my half-day at work. The knowing that you are God part is easy. You have been my leader and saving grace since I could think. Why must there be a method in "how" we know that you are God. And why, then, does it seem to be the most difficult way? Difficult things seems to be a recurring theme among the scripture.

So this is me finally being still... Most of my Christmas shopping is finished, work won't resume for over a week, and the only plans ahead of me are this nap and visiting the Cowans, Kents, and Blackwells for our annual family-friends Christmas party tonight.

As my body sinks lower into my bed, I feel myself breathing deeper and slower. Stiller. Jen called in sick and will be bustling around the house to get herself organized. God, thank you for my family. You have truly blessed me for reasons beyond my understanding. I want to thank you for the opportunity to live with my sister and to learn who she is.

A thought: that being still allows for reflection, appreciation, and finally a time for heartfelt praise to you. The sentimental holiday season makes it a quicker process too.

I love you for being in control of my life so I don't have to. I am yours. Amen.



... just got an attitude from Jen. How ironic is THAT!?

12/22/2010

Wheew!!!

This is my one feeling after starting full time at the ADA. It's been almost two months since I began. I know this because it's three days until my 4th paycheck. It has been a while since my last blog post. This is why. With a 8-4:30 job plus an hour commute both ways, my days are limited. Especially during the weekends, which are my only social experiences, I am learning to fully take advantage. I feel like I have to take in every enjoyable moment of still being young, having free time, and hanging around people who don't give a crap about where the new location for the Tour de Cure is going to be or how the volunteer committee hierarchy is going to be planned out. Because I feel a sense of desperation to fully enjoy my weekends, I am in-turn, loosing sleep. This summer has been composed of a series of lake weekends and late nights in the Highlands. While I admit, it's a pretty sweet setup, I...am...exhausted! Sleep has become a last priority. As I have mentioned before, I have always been an avid extracurricular activist. On top of the fact that my job demands the occasional nights and weekends, I have also picked up a re-upholstery class at the local Joanns, committed to developing a golf handicap for next year's Father's Day Tournament, and signed on to be a 9th and 10th grade Sunday School teacher. Thank God that the Bachelorette season finale was last week! I feel like I am overwhelmed with things to do. TOnight is the first night when I have been able to come home after work, had nothing to do but have dinner with the family, turn on the first football game of the year (Baltimore vs Carolina), and take time to completely chill. ahh, feels good. I may even get to bed before 10!
I have discovered a few things about myself since being so ecompassed by the adult world: I literally need to talk. And not in a serious way - i need laughter and silliness and social time with people outside my office. I catch myself in coversation and spatting out sentences I'm not even aware of just because I seem to have the need for communication at all time. Hmm, it'll be interesting to see where THAT takes me!

8/12/2010

growing up

Tonight I am sitting down with my mother to a glass of wine while the water boils for dinner. It's a good night. We have been busy the past couple days preparing for a garage sale. As we rummage through childhood memories and old apartment decor, we both are reminded about how quickly the time passes. I realize how I have forgotten about so many things that were such a significant part of the preteen I use to be. I flipped through a few pages of my 4th grade journal: My enthusiasm and obsession for soccer was obvious throughout the pages with mention every few days. I talk about how my sisters are obnoxious and my best friends are the coolest. Playground activities, church choir and the girls group called G.A.s - for "Girl's in Action" were also mentioned several times in a few weeks. All these are things that have changed and put on the back burner. I quit playing soccer at age 14, I have a real relationship with my sisters (ones that I enjoy), and my friends, who are still pretty cool, have changed.

It's a funny feeling when you think of yourself as being the older twenty-something that was unimaginable at age 10. I am proud of myself actually. While living at home doesn't sound as good, I see signs of growing up. In addition to holding my tongue when I need to and accepting criticism from my mom... sometimes, I have built a resume, earned a college degree, and my unpaid internship has turned into a full time job. Yay!! I'll take this time to announce my official job title as Associate Manager for the American Diabetes Association. I will be continuing my commute to downtown Atlanta but with a few extra dollars to put away at the end of the day. Ah it feels good.
(for now - talk to me again after I start paying for the 1700 insurance bills I'll receive in a couple weeks)

6/10/2010

Defining Priority

Tonight I should be getting to sleep. Tonight I should be typing up an excel sheet for work. Tonight I should be reading scripture. Tonight I should be pondering my career path. Tonight I should be folding the laundry that has been sitting in the dryer all day, or tidying up my room, folding that blanket over there, or fixing lunch for tomorrow, or have gone for a run, or putting away my winter clothes, or clearing off the 1,2,3,4... 5, if you count the one in the bathroom, cups that have collected on my "office" table.

Tonight I should be stressing about how much I have to do and how little time I have to do it.

Tonight I remembered that quote, "don't put off until tomorrow, something that can be done today"

Tonight I remembered that I hadn't done a blog post in over a MONTH!!!! Priority rules.

Crazy Love

FAB - U - LOUS!!!!

Sunday night was my Christmas present from Mom to all the girls in the family, including herself. Only Dad was left out, who I think felt a little jealous. Since opening the origami fortune teller which had a picture of Michael and the date March 14th written on it, I have been memorizing his newest songs and falling more in love with swanky forties music and jazzy oldies.

Sunday night rolls around and I can feel the teenie-bopper inside me starting to "buble"-over.

This may embarrass me:
Michael came on stage accompanied with fire crackers and started the show off with a familiar tune. He was so great!!!! The whole time... GREAT!! I wish I could find a better way to show a more educated vocabulary but my excitement is disillusioning. Honestly, he was absolutely amazing! The combination of the tux, vintage dance swagger, MJ improv, heart felt melodies, sincerity in his lyrics, slight scruff on his neck, and a way of performing like he was singing to ME ONLY, was enough to drive any girl crazy. Literally, women of all ages were jumping, waving their arms, and shrieking like the people you see in the movies when Elvis thrusts his hips around. Oh baby! My personal experience is exceptional, though. I got luckier than every other person there because he was looking RIGHT AT ME when his eyes came anywhere close to my section of...what, 400 people? haha - snap out of it, Carole!

He left me feeling like He Just Hasn't Met Me Yet and that I could give him Crazy Love!! haha, was that appropriate? what the heck? I just want to see him again and again.

Honorable mention: opening act was surprisingly entertaining with their acapella show. Look 'em up: Naturally7

Side thought: How much does it cost to hire Michael Buble?